I'm not sure when "tired" became my stock answer.
Probably somewhere around baby #3. Most likely when we all decided authentic meant we needed to stop saying "fine."
So I stopped being "fine" and started being "tired."
Which is undoubtedly authentic. I haven't slept regularly in years. We can't afford babysitting and no one can handle watching five kids under seven for very long anyway. Except, of course, that I do. Because it's my job. So, yeah, I'm tired.
You know it don't you? Because you're tired too.
You have a full time job, a million kids, ministry that pulls at your heart and drags your energy right along with it. You study late and stress about tests. You make meal after meal, and show up for meeting after meeting.
Your tired. I'm tired. We're all tired.
I'm tired of being tired.
The conviction hit me hard and fast standing in the gym at church. All my sweet friend Meagan asked was how I was doing. Stock question. Tired. Stock answer.
I could have fallen over with the weight of the Spirit on me in that moment. It was perhaps one of the strongest convictions I've ever had. And if experience proves me right, I'm not alone.
We are a tired church. And most of us? Are tired of being tired
If you're anything like me you want to fix the energy vacuum because it is sucking the life out of you.
I thought for sure some protein powder and a running program was going to be my answer. Truthfully, my eating needed to be cleaned up, and my body needed the energy. It worked...for awhile. Then I just found myself even more exhausted from obsessive meal planning and preparing.
Maybe oils? Supplements? Medication?
And then we run on empty again.
Listen church, I'm worried about us because I'm worried about me. I realized that I was trying to fix the vacuum, when really? The vacuum needs to be filled, not fixed.
Our hearts are made to hold so much more than we can imagine, but we are bottlenecking it with borrowed energy. Another book, another devotional, another great sermon. We are crying out for it to be fixed when we should be crying out for it to be filled.
Smoothies, supplements, and sermons are all good things and often neccessary, don't hear me say they aren't, but I'm a little bit afraid we are using them to as replacements to the actual filling of the Holy Spirit.
We want to live this life well. We want to serve well. We want to love well. Because we know that we know that we know we are called to do the work we are doing we try to find a way to make it happen. But there is a better way...
Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling...
This is the way. The Way, theTruth, and the Life. The gospel way of doing things. It requires us to get emptied out to get empowered.
We have to stop stuffing and start surrendering.
I'm called to be a mom. To homeschool. To preach the gospel to a group of High School girls that think I'm (more than) half crazy.
I need a way to make all that happen. So I work my tail off until I find myself in tears. Crying on my couch at bedtime because the day has just been too much once again. Threatening to quit everything because I can't maintain it all anymore. Exhausted and empty.
But what kind of witness is that to the One who called me to it? If Jesus calls me to it he will equip me to do it.
For it is God who is working in you, enabling you both to desire and to work out His good purpose.
But it's not a fix, it's a filling.
Which means we don't get to take a wrench to the vacuum and never look back. That energy vacuum you have is there on purpose. You were made with it and it's supposed to keep you in desperate need of power far beyond yourself.
We have to get filled and keep filling.
We want to work it out? We better know His good purpose. We want God to work in us? We better be setting ourselves before Him every day.
There is a better way to work. There is a Way that makes it all work. So today I'm going to stop trying to get my fix and go to Jesus to get filled. Whose with me?