Be Salty is our space to season our words with salt. It’s a place to bring flavor, color, and spice to the lives we live. A place to brag a little on the wonderful works of God right here in our plain ‘ole lives. Don’t forget to join our link-up this week to tell your story!
Kimberly is a dear friend of mine that blogs over at Beautiful Arrows. We have walked through many a hard season of life together and I have had the honor of watching her her faith be forged in the fire. She is beautiful inside and out. Go check her out!
I stood in my kitchen, completely undone, tears pouring down my face, my 2 year old son stood by watching as my 10 month old daughter came crawling in, crying hysterically. It's a typical scene that has occurred almost daily since my foster daughter came back into care and in our home. I had prayed for months that she would return to us. I so desperately wanted her back, yet I was struggling daily with her being home. The neglect and abuse she had endured during the 6 months she was away from us, has left her scarred and struggling with attachment issues, and it was draining on me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually more and more every day. I began to doubt God’s blessing of her returning, His goodness, my ability to care for her and to be a mother in general. I had hit rock bottom and thought that I wasn't cut out for this, for motherhood, for Foster care, struggling with guilt that I hadn't been able to really enjoy my daughter and that maybe she should be placed in another home. That's the hard thing about Foster care, when it gets tough and I mean hard core tough, it's easy to just think, “let's just have the child moved to another home, we aren't the right fit.” I knew this was all from the enemy, I knew he was planting these thoughts in my mind and relishing in the fact that I was breaking. I would never want her removed, I would be devastated, but the enemy had a grip on me and I was drowning. I needed freedom, strength and encouragement.
“In my distress, I called upon the Lord,
And cried out to my God He heard my voice from His temple And my cry entered His ears” -2 Samuel 22:7
I stood in the kitchen crying out for strength, for help. I knew I could not go on like this anymore. I sent a text out to my husband and a few friends asking for prayers and encouragement. Thank the Lord for them. Each one lifted me up and their words gave me strength to fight through the day. It's amazing how God places certain people in your life who help you walk through those dark times. I am also amazed at when I am weak, my husband is strong. When I was so ready to give up, he was ready to stand firm for us. When I was doubting, he was sure. I really could not have picked a better man to walk this journey with. By the end of the day I was feeling better but I was still struggling with my ability to care for my daughter and the overwhelming guilt of wanting to give in. I went to bed exhausted and drained. I prayed for some glimmer of hope that I could hold on to. The next morning during my bible reading I came to this verse:
“For You are my lamp, O Lord;
The Lord shall enlighten my darkness.
For by You I can run against a troop;
By my God I can leap over a wall.” -2 Samuel 22:29-30
Oh goodness. God’s word proves itself to be so good over and over. Just when I needed His reassurance He provided it instantly. By my God I CAN have the ability to do this. I CAN push through and I CAN thrive in it. Those 2 verses did something in me, in my heart instantly. I was able to see the struggle in front of me and know that I can come out of it with the help of the Lord and it changed my attitude. It helped me look at this in a new light. I needed strength to hold on, to persevere and I wasn't willing to give up.
And can I just say that we've had a couple good days in a row. Praise Jesus! It didn't fixed the trauma my daughter has faced and the aftermath of it all and there will still be times when the enemy will try to grab hold of me on those hard days but I know by my God I can leap over this wall. With His strength and His word we are on the road to recovery.
“For You have armed me with strength for the battle” -2 Samuel 22:40