I've been confused. (No surprises there.) I blame The Princess Diaries.
Last year at this time, in the throws of PPD and some pretty major spiritual oppression, I went to IF:Gathering in Austin. I heard the first whispers of freedom ringing in my ears while I was there.
It sounded a lot like a whole bunch of women preaching repentance. Powerful repentance.
And after a year of fighting, pleading, and falling apart, I found some seriously beautiful freedom. In fact, I found it so deep and profound that I had it tattooed on me.
So, here is where I got confused. I thought I had been filled up and it was my turn to pour out. And I had, and it was. And honestly, I can't even pretend that it wasn't beautiful. It was.
And then this week got weird. I felt weird. Strangely excited that people liked the thing that the other leaders and I did, while strangely annoyed that some people were already putting on the pressure to do more.
I have been squirmy and awkward, and in that discomfort my oppressor showed back up. In the form of a few words twisted. Just a little gas-lighting.
Things God has showed me how to handle...
But I didn't. I popped off, right as I felt the clutches of that oppression wrap it's slimy tentacles right back around me.
That's why I was confused.
Because I had some Lifetime movie plot in my head of getting deeply discipled and then stepping into my calling. Of reaching a place of profound calling and stepping boldly and gracefully into leadership. Fine. I'll say it. I thought it was supposed to be like that little worm that transforms in the cocoon and emerges a fully formed butterfly.
It's not like that. It's just not.
This is not a movie and I am not a butterfly.
I'm a human. And a sinner.
And I desperately need to drink daily at wells of grace.
Because this faith thing? Is so very daily.
And it turns out that I have been on my face before God this week feeling like I have just stumbled there. It turns out? That's a pretty good place to be. Turns out, you get some pretty good perspective down there with your forehead pressed in to the carpet. (And brothers and sisters, you should know that our carpet in particular? Is a humbling place to be.)
I'm human and for as long as I'm human it's going to be hard. It would appear I'm not going to have a stadium full of people cheering me as I step up to the plate. I'm going to have a few quiet voices reminding me that God asked me to do this.
It takes faith everyday.
Faith that I will stumble in. Faith that I will doubt.
But my God is graceful. So I stumble upon a His well. I drink deeply of His grace. I move forward in faith. In my desperate need for His Grace, I get a beautiful glimpse of His Power revealed.
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9