I debated over and over if I should write this post and how I should write this post. Since I promised to Keep it Real I have decided not only to write it but to write it as it should be, in present tense. I'm a bright yellow kind of person. Energetic, extroverted, and amazingly optimistic. I like things lighthearted and it drives me crazy when people take anything too seriously.
So here is the part where I spill my guts. I'm in dark days right now. I don't say depression because I believe that is a real and ongoing struggle for many people and is much more serious that what I'm dealing with and I don't want to downplay their struggles. Mine is more the blues, but even then when someone used that phrase, 'the blues,' I used to picture a pretty baby blue. Now I know that it's a deep inky dark blue.
Circumstances? They certainly affect how I feel. I have now been pregnant and/or nursing for a full 21 months now, and the pregnancies have been tough. To say the least my hormones are out of whack.
My second pregnancy was unplanned (I don't say or mean unwanted, I already cherish this little girl to the soul of my being), and that plays hard on your mental and emotional state. All this on top of a bank breaking and heart wrenching adoption process.
This isn't a circumstantial issue though, because even through the dark night I can see enough to know I live a crazy charmed life.
It has been so easy to hide. Too easy. There have been huge red flags flying up all over this battlefield, but skilled as I am at looking for the silver lining I have smiled and waltzed my way through the concerns with frightening ease.
I ignored the development of social anxiety, a complete lack of desire to go hang with friends or be out in public. The easy tears and breakdowns from a person that rarely cries. I explained away easily my desire to never get out of bed and have a normal day. I 'Christianesed' my way through the worst part of all and that's that I can't feel God right now, I can't see Him in my life.
I hoped desperately that someone close would notice what was going on, step in and take over; all the while trying even more desperately to make sure nothing seemed wrong. I have been frustrated and angry that no one saw what I was so carefully hiding. I am barely keeping my head above water and trying to make myself look like the lifeguard.
I found myself on the couch sobbing an empty sob in the dark this week. I feel alone.
Fortunately Russ heard those sobs. He heard my cries and truth spilled out for the first time in a long time.
It didn't get magically all better and I don't expect it to. I'm having to practice spiritual discipline while God teaches me that it is about Faith in Him not warm gooey spiritual feelings.
I'm learning about not always glazing over the hard stuff. We live in a world where faking it is a way of life. I'll probably never feel a need to put all the yucky out there but God is teaching me to say, "today is a hard day and I need your prayer and help."
Last but most importantly I'm learning compassion. My sunny side up disposition has made it difficult for me to relate to people that are struggling. I couldn't understand how they couldn't just move past things. I get that now. I really believe that's why the Lord is allowing me this experience. That's why I'm sharing this experience. I'm not the only person this is happening to in our picture perfect 140 character society.
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed." 1Peter 4:12-13