So I've noticed an uptick both on Facebook and the blogosphere of mom guilt and bad mommy days. I'm going to preface the story I'm about to tell you with this: I don't struggle with mom guilt. Okay occasionally I do but it is light and very fleeting. There are a lot of reasons for this. 1. I'm a Big Picture person. I'm not into details so much so that I could possible be referred to as a little flakey or scatterbrained. I'm not saying anyone has called me that, I'm just saying if they did they might be justified. So the microcosm of a "day" just doesn't really get to me.
2. Even on my most terrible horrible mommy days I know the long term decision we have made are good. So it doesn't bother me if I slip here and there.
3. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY loves my babies like I do ('cept Jesus and Russ, but we are talking mom guilt here so stay on track) and no matter what happened in our day I know at the end of the day they know that.
4. I know in the long run the best I can do about anything that might cause me mom guilt is repent, apologize, and know deep down in my heart that my babies are ultimately going to be responsible for their own hearts. I can or can't "make them happy" or "do it right" and it is all still a toss up.
Anyways all that is to prepare you to hear about Thursday because if what I'm seeing on ole Facebook is true you might need to hear this.
I felt sick which is nothing new, in fact it's getting pretty old. Ava (my queen bee of nappers) choose not to nap this morning. I got her up out of her bed thinking maybe her killer growth spurt was attacking again and that I would grab the girls a snack.
I didn't make it. She got unceremoniously plopped down on the kitchen floor and I may or may not have knocked Lily over while running to the restroom. Ensue tears. Lots and lots of tears.
After round one I got up thinking that snack I meant to get would stop the hysterics. It was not effective because for the second time I didn't make it. Back to the bathroom with my head in the toilet where two (usually good natured) girls followed me in. Tizzy of screaming and thrashing. Ava was hugging my back wailing at a pitch usually only audible to dogs and Lily stood right there in the bathroom and peed her pants and then screamed that she needed on the potty.
I lost it.
I totally snapped.
I yelled. I yelled really loud.
I told my two and a half year old to go clean herself up and I told my one year old she wasn't dying of starvation and to get out of the bathroom.
At the moment that seemed reasonable.
I would like to tell you about how I spent a few moments in that bathroom on my knees crying out to God and how he comforted me and we recovered our day but I actually just sat there crying.
The rest of our morning went down that same rabbit trail until I put them both down for an early nap with stern warnings that no one was to to stir or peep for the next two and half hours. (Which I'm pretty sure they obeyed at that point just to get away from scary/crying mommy)
So basically we will just hash tag Thursday as #momfail.
But it wasn't. After nap I was still cranky (Oh you wanted your happy ending here?) and so were they so I plopped their little bottoms down in the stroller and let them loose at the park only to call me if a limb was hanging or there was blood and I sat my big pregnant sick self down on a bench.
When we were all on our way home ( me being the only one who was still fussy at this point), Lily looked up at me from her seat and told me,
"Mommy, I proud of you for taking me to the park. It makes me laugh, and happy, and funny"
It wasn't a fail. It was a chance to apologize. It was a opportunity for my babies to learn to move on. It was a moment of struggle, mistakes, learning, and growth.
Am I sorry for my attitude? Heck yes!
Am I feeling guilty about what happened? Nope.
So for my friends that are having #momfail days, it's okay. It's just a day. And maybe even valuable one.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
1 Corinthians 2:19