I'm in a highly self reflective mode right now as so many things have changed in my life in the last few years and so many things will continue to change. I want to remember where I am coming from. I want my children to be able to read why I'm making the decisions I'm making. To explain where we are going, I need to start with where I'm coming from. Hang in there. I'll be back to my mundane banter before you know it!
In My Heart I always knew I was a little different...
My Papa told Boo when I was little that I was a "Free Thinker," I don't know about that, but I do know my Papa seemed to have a lot of insight into life and people to my little heart.
When I was thirteen I wanted to be an exchange student. I couldn't understand why my mom wouldn't let me move halfway across the world to live with strangers. (Just for the record I get it now mom)
When I was seventeen I wanted to be a beach bum. I wanted to learn to surf, live in hut and sell hot dogs. Not for the rest of my life or anything, just for awhile. People laughed when I told them that. So I laughed too.
I choose to go downstream. I went to a four year university, found a suitable boyfriend, and joined Greek Life.
In My Heart I was not settled...
My sophomore year after a bad breakup, a sticky living situation and a desire not to go home for another summer I ran. I gathered my savings pleaded with my mom and at 8:00 AM on a Thursday morning my just-turned-twenty self hopped on a plane to Venice to study abroad. Alone.
I missed and caught trains, slept on beaches, argued with taxi drivers, stayed in shady hostels, booked flights, trains, buses, and maybe even attended a few classes.
In my heart something sparked....
I came home changed. Knowing that my future would probably never be filled with granite counter tops, new cars, and weekly manicures. That trip had made me realize that's not what I wanted. My priorities where different that the mainstream I was trying so hard to swim down.
I lived in a bare bones apartment with empty walls and an empty refrigerator. I bought my clothes at Wal-Mart and I saved every cent I had to fly all over the county visiting friends and having new adventures. Even then I didn't understand why I couldn't just sit still a beautifully decorated apartment making home cooked meals like my friends. It seemed so natural for them.
It felt so unnatural for me.
In My Heart I was empty...
And I tried hard to fill it will various and sundry experiences. In lieu of a real adventure I set out every night to make my own. I failed. Horribly. I wouldn't do it the same if I could go back; I hurt a lot of people trying to fill that vacuum. Not least of all myself.
I graduated, got a job, and became miserable. It turns out Corporate America for me was a bipolar boss and a supervisor that called me at inappropriate times about inappropriate things. I kept it to myself until I exploded and walked out one day.
A week later my mom knew a lady in town who was hiring for a sales position. She hired me. I loved the hotel, I loved my coworkers. I did not love my job though, and it dawned on me that this thing I had spend four years studying in school? Wasn't for me.
In My Heart I knew it was time to try my wings...
I had recently rededicated my life to Jesus. I knew where I was at was not where I was meant to be. So I got a job as a nanny in Italy, spent my tax return on a one way plane ticket, let my apartment lease go, and prepared to leave.
Somewhere in there I started dating my future husband...again. We kept it completely away from serious though. We had my departure hanging over us and he had his own baggage to deal with. I can't lie, it made leaving much harder.
However, I felt like I had stayed and done the 'right' thing too many times for too many wrong reasons. I had to go and go I did.
That's when this little blog started. Most of you know after only a few short weeks it didn't work out.
In My Heart I was confused...
I knew God didn't give me a Spirit of Adventure for no reason. I knew he meant to use it for His Glory. But there I was sitting on my suitcase in a bustling and sweltering street in Rome. Alone. Without a job, without a ride, without a place to stay.
He gave me a revelation at that time. He gave me a choice. I knew if I would trust Him at that moment that He would give me the adventures I longed for, that He would use my fearlessness to give Him glory, but first I was going to have to give all that up. I was going to have to swallow my pride and come home.
I hopped on a train to Paris and caught a flight to Dallas then Lubbock. ( I made that sound easy. Somewhere in there there was about twenty emails, ten international phone calls, the gathering of funds from various places, five train switches and a 4:00AM ride to the airport.)
I made it home on the rainiest night Lubbock had in years September 11, 2008 to be met at the airport by my Love.
I cried. I cried because my dreams hadn't worked out. Because I was faced with the prospect of entering back into a life that wasn't right for me. Because I was sorry for what I had put him through all for my plans to just fall apart.
He drove me back to his house gave me some sweats to change into and handed me a present. While I opened it, he hit his knee.
In My Heart there was an explosion...
To be continued...