Trying to get you where I'm going by explaining where I've been. Read Part 1 Here.
That moment started a series of choices for God in my life that have led me to the happiest place I have ever been.
I said "yes."
Which is crazy because I knew that Russ was headed down a pretty normal path at that point and I didn't want that. I also knew that he was chasing after God with all His heart and I was faced with trusting God to get us where he wanted us. He asked me to trust Him again.
I said "yes."
In My Heart I felt peace...
I knew that God had given me this man as a gift. I knew He had given me someone who would not laugh at the crazy things I wanted. Someone who would at the very least consider prayerfully any and every crazy idea that popped into my head.
I was not wrong.
Six months after we got married we decided to move to Vega. No jobs, no place to live, and trying to sell nine houses shortly after a housing bust.
Russ was called about a job the week we moved to Vega. I was offered three different jobs in the area and I was sick to my stomach about having to put on a suit and push paper again all day. I felt a gentle nudge in a different direction.
I opened my little dance studio. A job I have loved dearly for a long time now.
In my heart I knew we were ready...
To grow our little family, but we had planned a trip to Bali and I by no means wanted to be pregnant on a 36 hour trip to Indonesia. Less than one month after that trip I stared excitedly at those two pink lines.
I puked, cried, and waddled my way through my first pregnancy. And then it happened. My sweet sweet Lily.
In My Heart I grasped it...
Along with her sweet little baby hand. This was part of the adventure God meant for me. This is what I am meant to be doing. The Feminist part of me that had always made me think that being a mother would probably be not quite enough for me melted away in one teeny-tiny little yawn from a teeny-tiny little rosebud mouth.
I loved showing her off. I loved that watching Hubs play with her made me love both of them even more.
We traveled to Oregon when she was six weeks old to see family. As I sat and talked to my sister in law, she mentioned that she had always wanted to adopt at some point.
In My Heart a beat was skipped...
because when those words came out of her mouth, I knew she was speaking words the Lord meant for me to hear. I got home and hit my knees. I googled everything I could about adoption. I learned about different kids, processes, costs, attachment, and mostly I learned about a need.
I knew that it would take a long time. So I presented it to Russ, we prayed, and we got started.
Somewhere in there I felt a nudge to adopt siblings. I shut that door quickly. I already had one sweet baby and we were planning on adopting one. I surely could not handle three small children.
Six months later there were two more pink lines.
In My Heart I feared...
I feared pregnancy. I feared having three small children. I feared that we would not have the money and that I could not be a good mother. I feared everything.
And Russ reminded me to pray. I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. And very excruciatingly slowly God opened my eyes. Not only could I do this, I wanted to do this. I was fearing my own God ordained dreams.
And then once again. She came. My sweet Ava cuddled into me.
In My Heart I grew strong...
I drowned in my weakness during my pregnancy only to be flooded with God's grace again with my sweet second child. Nothing I feared came to pass. Having two children was hardly an adjustment at all. I found that I not only had enough love for both of them but an excess of love that let me know that we aren't done here. We still don't have a lot of money, but now I know that we don't need it.
She was the surprise I didn't know that I so badly needed.
In My Heart it dawned that my dreams were bigger than I realized...
And that God intends in many ways to use my dreams to bring him glory.. However I still hold back. I still say, "only so far."
I started reading about corruption in international adoption. I realized that it is very real. That I could hem and haw and justify all day long, but the end of the day fact was that healthy infants have long waiting lists and those long waiting lists cause unscrupulous people to do some terrible things to provide them.
That doesn't mean our adoption couldn't be on the up and up. We trust our agency and we planned on doing digging of our own, but we knew we couldn't participate.
That's when everyone in my adoption blogroll started linking this post.
It was about an HIV positive adopted child that had been unnecessarily uninvited to a birthday party.
In My Heart I SLAMMED a door...
But sometimes the harder you slam a door the wider it swings back open. I knew there was corruption, I knew we had some choices to make, but special needs were way too out there for me.
But it just kept coming up over and over again. So I read. I read truth. Nothing chases fear away like knowledge.
Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free
And I shared the truth. With people who encouraged me to keep seeking to make sure I was sure. So I did. Then I shared the truth with Hubs.
At this point in my life I realize that I feel more peaceful, happy, joyful, and stronger than I have at any other point in my life.
In My Heart I realized that I was different...